Triggers happening a lot today as I see a lot of postings about depression and suicide following Robin William's tragic ending to his life. I want to scream out to those saying it is a "choice" "it's selfish" "get over it (whatever the it represents)" and all those other ignorant things people say at times like these, but I can't for some reason. It's the stigma of it all. It is something that I don't talk about often. I have fought depression for most of my life. I have a diagnosis that isn't pretty or easy for people to understand. But, it's my truth and reality in life.
Reading back into my journals at 18 I can see where I had thoughts of suicide. Tear-stained pages stare back at me when I read it and I just do not remember being that depressed. I know I was depressed and hated life, but I don't remember planning out actions to end life. This is where I think the normal brain and the depressed brain differ. There is a fog that happens to a brain when depressed. For me, I can feel like I am watching myself doing something, somewhat out of body as I float along and go through the motions. I don't feel love the way I think I should during these times. I can't make decisions quickly or at all. I just survive. Sometimes, it is easier to return to being "me" than others. Sometimes these depressive cycles end faster than others, sometimes I need a little extra help medically.
So, taking life back to my point of being a huge failure ( and I am glad to say I failed on this one) here's a snippet of my messy background surrounding my life at that time.
The year 2000. Found out my husband was gay/bi-sexual. Trolling for men, meeting up with men, the whole messy bit that when you are in a monogamous male/female relationship you just are blindsided by this news. I was the heaviest I have ever been in life, mere pounds away from 400. At a job that was not friendly to women, let alone heavy women. I muddled through life. September of 2000 I injured myself and put on medical leave which created a whole other blog post there ...but I tumbled even further into depression as I was not working. February 2001 I had enough. I was sleeping in my own room, in-house separation as my spouse flaunted his extra-marital stuff in front of me. I ended up chatting with a guy online and and being inappropriate myself online. Then I said enough. I put together a container of 120 of my psych meds that had been tried and didn't work and I still had around. Some of them I found out later were enough to be fatal with just a small number and had a longer half-life than most. I kept that container with me for 3 months. It went everywhere with me. At one point my spouse had found it and I had talked him into letting me keep it under the guise of not using it, just it being like a security blanket. I went to church with it, family gatherings, you name it. I went to gastric bypass appointments with it. I went to a psych evaluation for gastric bypass with it. You get the idea by now. I had a plan, I had the tools, what I didn't have at that point was the last straw. I prayed, I read through my Bible. I lamented as King David did that life was too much to bear. I decided one night home alone In May 2001 that was going to be the end. I opened that box and prayed that it would work. Messed up right? THAT is what the depressed mind does though.. that is what Satan uses to fool you. It all made sense to me with the mindset that I had. Then I got a phone call. I had been in a Bible Study and had missed a couple of them. I rarely talked on the phone to her yet the leader, Carolyn Williams, reached out. That night she saved my life in the fact that she called to check up on me. I never had told anyone the depression struggles I had going on, the marital struggles, the life struggles so she didn't know anything but to call and check in on me. I was alone that night and if I had taken those pills I would be dead. Her phone call at the time I was praying before taking pills saved my life, for that day. A few days later, I was at that final point again.
That night, May 17, 2001, I pulled together my container, the only alcohol we had in the house, bottle of Dom Perignon, and I prayed. The cruel things my spouse had done and said that night pushed me to the edge. My mind had it's last straw moment and nothing was going to stop me. I was praying angry. I did not want to be on earth a minute longer. I ended up taking all 120 pills in my container, the bottle of champagne and an additional 24 Nyquil so I would make sure I slept through whatever would happen. In total I took 144 pills. I had meticulously written down what was in my container to make sure it was enough to do the job, but had second-guessed myself so I took the Nyquil as well. And then I remember watching myself on the bed.
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| May 13, 2001 |
What do I hope you take away from my long story? I hope you show compassion to those struggling with depression. I would hope you would reach out to someone when they drop out of routines, when they isolate themselves. Ask some hard questions on how they are doing? Look for clues when they are quiet when they are not usually quiet. BY ALL MEANS NECESSARY, TAKE AWAY THEIR TOOLS! Do not let someone convince you they are not going to do something. Take it serious! Do not assume that someone is just able to think happy thoughts or write down things to be grateful for in order to move from this mindset. If you don't know how to help your friend, please find resources to do so. Minutes matter, not days.
If you have stuck with my post, you should know. I still struggle with depression. I do think that God put Matthew into my life to show me that my purpose is not over. Life is not perfect but life is not mine to decide when to end. Let's work to end the stigma surrounding depression, bipolar, mental illness to the point where we can see it for what it really is, an illness that needs treated!
If you are feeling suicidal, I know it is not easy to reach out. Please do whatever you can to do so. Here are a few resources:
National Suicide Hotline US 1(800)273-8255
Hopeline 1(800)394-4673
To Save a Life 1(800)273-TALK
